I didn’t know you had so many Aunts says the bride to her husband next morning. I thought they were yours he replies.

A good and trusted friend, invariably blessed with formidable organisational skills, meticulous attention to detail, tact, sobriety and faultless manners. However the groom doesn’t know anyone like that. So he asks Dave.

Traditional or croquembouche ? Two tiers or three ? Fruit or sponge ? Gold hearts or cherubs ? And perhaps white icing with just a hint of gold ? Meanwhile the groom bides his time before telling them he actually fancies one of those little plastic bride and bloke things perched on top.

Generally difficult to avoid at even the most sedate of weddings. However only someone who has witnessed the spectacle of their High Court Judge father waving his arms around and gyrating in time with the Birdie Song can know the true meaning of shame.

there isn’t a bride or groom born who hasn’t at some stage seriously considered the ladder-up-against-the bedroom -window option. It’s quick, it’s cheap and if the top rung wasn’t missing they’d almost certainly give it a go.

and to think that only a few short months ago the groom’s idea of flowers was a magnificent four quid bunch when he was filling up at Esso. Now he’s supposed to have opinions on buttonholes and bouquets, corsages and carnations. No wonder he thinks that f also stands for fiasco.

Some couples mistakenly believe that lifelong friends will feature on this. A tragic and laughably naive fallacy. For guests read "people they have never met before and fervently hope never to meet again". Members of bridge and golf clubs generally feature strongly.

Whether it’s Timbuktu or Tenerife the honeymoon, it seems, can’t be mentioned without much nudging and winking. This despite the fact they’ve been cohabiting for five years, their youngest is seething because he’s wearing a sailor suit and the happy couple both fervently hope the hotel won’t forget the twin beds.

"She’s looking more like her mother every day" coos his fiancée’s grandmother fondly. He and his soon to be father-in-law exchange shifty, despairing glances.

The bride’s father would no sooner don a skirt than fly until suddenly he remembers that his great, great grandmother was a Mac something or other. So chapped knees and the family tartan it is. And this from a man who’s never been north of High Wycombe.

A silver service five course wedding breakfast?  Or perhaps a magnificent cold buffet ? A hog roast ? barbeque ? Something ethnic ? Or vegetarian ? Suddenly nothing appeals more than a nice cheese sandwich.

It used to be a straight choice - batty vicar/father/rabbi or marginally battier registrar. Now it’s underwater or mid air or back to nature in Farmer Jenks piggery. His mother thinks the world’s gone mad.

Some say that organising a wedding is a bit like running a small country, Luxembourg, perhaps. Actually that’s not true. It’s harder.

Guests throwing confetti; groom dancing with mother; groom’s parents; best man and ushers. It’s called a shot list and the bride’s father knows why. He’d gladly shoot the lot of them.

So many questions to ask so many people and, it seems, so many different answers. In the end though we are left with just one. Whose bright idea was it to get married ?

Traditionally safeguarded by the best man until the moment of exchange. Also traditionally lost by the best man at the moment of exchange. Most couples still wear the hastily substituted curtain rings.

Horatio said brevity is the soul of wit. Obviously he had never been to a wedding in Godalming.

Usually turn up with Aunts (ibid) though more innocuous on the clothes front. Come into their own after the third glass of port. As anyone within earshot of Uncle Eric’s unique rendition of Knock Three Times (twice on the pipes) will readily testify.

Lights, camera, action.....cue the happy couple. Pinewood Studios ? Broadcasting House ? No a Registrar office in Hendon.

There’s no bacon and eggs and by the time you finally sit down it’s getting dark but then again perhaps Cousin Beryl really is wearing her pyjamas.

Inspired accessories, favours, gifts, sweets and decorations for your reception. Or that extra final straw to give the bank manager heart failure ?

A school of thought promoting inner serenity through meditation. Try telling that to the bride’s mother when her car doesn’t turn up.